Because I Never Sleep Anymore.

Here are some things I really, really hate.

1. Spitting in the street. When did this become socially acceptable? Would these people blow snot rockets onto the sidewalk? Is your mouth really so flooded with saliva that you cannot possibly wait to get to a sink or swallow it, for fear of drowning? And does anyone even spit in sinks when they're not brushing their teeth or at the dentist?

This makes me question what you do at home alone, when you're free to be even more Josie Grossy. Play cat's cradle with your phlegm? Writhe around in a bathtub of boiling diarrhea?

2. When you haven't mentioned the outcome of a potential good thing you stupidly mentioned to someone, and they ask you about it. Example: Douchey Friend: Hey, remember that guy you went on one date with like, 4 or 5 months ago and said was the only person to melt away the icy dungeon where your keep your heart? The really awesome, funny, hot, probably rich (not that that really matters) one? You know, the one I've never heard you mention again after that, nor seen you with? Did he ever call you?You:No.
Or, Douchey Neighbor:Hey! Did you end up booking that TV show you were auditioning for the other day when I ran into you last spring? The one that filmed in LA?You:No.

Guess what. If something amazing happens to me, I'll tell you about it. I appreciate your interest in my life, sincerely. But especially if you ask multiple times, "So, did you ever hear back about that submission you sent to The Onion?!", and I explain to you that I'll let you know that I'll tell everyone when I do...then you are a doucherabbit.

3. Lettuce. The texture is gross, and you never know when it's going to appear in a dish, without being on the menu. I hope a plague of locusts descends on every lettuce crop in The Land. (Note to my lettuce farmer readership: But I hope you also have many other successful crops that grow bountifully to make up for it.)